Who am I?

That's the question I keep thinking recently, about myself and other people in my life.

Who am I? What defines me? 

By the things that I like? But my preference changes all the time! "... People can change. Today he likes pineapple, tomorrow he can like other food..." (Chungking Express)

By my disposition? But I have mood swing frequently. Sometimes I can explain it (because of things I do or people I encounter) but most of the time I don't know why I feel the way I feel. So I could be sunshine when I'm in euphoria or sour and gloomy when I'm depressed (which I usually choose to hide). So am I defined by what I try to project in front of people?

By my action? 

But we all know the little Angle and little Demon that float around our heads when we face a dilemma. Sometimes the Angle wins, other time the demon wins. Am I defined by my Angle or my Demon? Or how often I listen to the Angle? Maybe this statistic tells part of my character too.

And so many things can alter our behavior! Alcohol for example. It makes people act differently. It makes some cry or laugh hysterically. It makes some talk, talk to person/about things/in ways they wouldn't dare to otherwise. Call our ex maybe? Some may secretly admit those are the true emotion/feelings/opinion that bury deep in their hearts but wouldn't dare to unleash when sober. Some may still claim that's totally "not me!" and don't know where the other side comes from. If that's the case, which one is the real me? Should I be defined by the worst or the best of me?

Maybe it's not a good example since we can clearly identify the cause and distinguish the before and after. What if we can see the cause or even don't realize there's something causing the change of behavior? 

In one interesting episode of Science Friday a neuroscientist, David Eagleman, talks about his book, Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain, and his research.

One of his experiments is worth mentioning. The setting is very simple, if the subjects hit a button a light would turn on. If there's a small delay, say 1/10 of a second, people usually wouldn't notice the lag and can still link the cause and reaction. But if, after a few runs with the lag, this delay is removed, people would think the light was switched on BEFORE they hit the button and therefore they was not the one who turn it on. This simple illusion about time and timing resembles remarkably what Schizophrenia patients experience, after they've done something they would claim they're not the one who is responsible since it has happened before they do anything. The mis-perception of time/timing could fundamentally change our interpretation of the world. And our perception of the exterior in turn would change our internal voice which guides us in decision making.

Eagleman also talks about the shooting rampage at Austin Texas in 1966. The "manic" Charles Whitman killed his wife, his mother, and 16 other random people. But the thing is he was not like that! He sensed his change of temper one year before and started documented his feeling and tried to seek medical help. He was even insightful enough to demand autopsy in his suicide note. They later found out he had a tumor pressing part of the brain involved in fear and aggression.

So in the end what makes us who we are indeed???

Until next time, love and peace!